January 2021
One of my oldest son’s good friends passed away…only 25 years old…He would come to the house sometimes when they were in junior and senior high school. For some strange reason, I had a nagging and negative feeling towards him. Somehow, my motherly instinct wanted to protect my son from him.
After high school, they kept in touch and had outings and mini vacations with each other and their group of friends. You see, as an inexperienced mother (stupid really), I hovered too much on my first born. Especially during his teen years. The more I hovered the more cover my son and his friends took, to the point of not being involved in any of his relationships.
During their teen years, my decisions were fear based, which signified my lack of trust in the universe. Fear also led me to not trust my oldest son decisions back then and his choice of friends. Thank god he has managed to prove me wrong and make me very proud. Besides, I also have had a shift in paradigm. I have gained the awareness that my kids just came through me and are not really “mine”. I have learned everyone has their own unique path in life and we as parents are not the decider of that path. I have learned the best gift one can give their kids is love, trust, and faith. (Mostly faith in their higher selves)
Today, I found out Bobby dropped his body due to cancer. He was diagnosed mid-December and died a month later. I am heart broken and I can’t imagine what his parents must be feeling. My heart aches for my son and his group of close friends.
In hindsight, my motherly instincts were right, as I truly was trying to protect him from the pain he is experiencing today and for months to come.
Ironically, the day before, I lost my 69 years old cousin due to a heart attack, which saddened me as well. Even though I know both my cousin and Bobby will be back in a different body soon; the puncture Bobby’s passing has pierced in my heart is much deeper. (Besides the fact that my cousin has had a full life and a beautiful family).
Lesson learned for me: always love first then analyze a person. I wish I had made this young man feel more loved every time he came over. I wish I had NOT radiated the fragrance of dissatisfaction every time I saw him. Perhaps the deep hole in my heart for him, is that, I never got a chance to apologize.
This songhttps://youtu.be/nBJYxPN8qIA keeps popping in my head and both these sad incidents make me appreciate it more. Love to both departed.
AMBKJ