I have been quite agitated this past couple of weeks. There are several new developments in my life, both internal and external, each requiring distinct attention and scrutiny. I am not going to pretend that my life has been an easy trail, conversely, it is and has always been full of quandaries. I have sailed well through them with the help of my faith, family, and friends.
So, what are these feelings that are brewing inside?
Today, I decided to visit my centenarian aunt. (You can read all about her in the note called: Survival instinct) She is my late mom's older sister, and has been a wonderful deputy, to help fill the huge gap I feel in my heart. Once I greeted her and kissed her sweet face, I noticed her coloring book and her high-quality coloring pencils sitting next to her bed. She quickly grabbed the coloring book and flipped through the pages to boast about her talents, like a child would. With my heart filled with so much love, I asked if I could color one of the pages. Somehow, I felt the need to do that. Photo below is the end result.
I talked while coloring. The good thing about talking to my aunt about my deep feelings, is that she can’t hear much. She simply nods her head and I continue talking. I love that she can’t hear, as I know she won’t worry about Sam being sick for almost two weeks or she won’t judge me about my need to please and entertain everyone around me. Frankly, it felt great telling her that I sometimes feel lonely, scared, and lost, because she won’t use that against me in a fight. It’s good that she cannot hear how sometimes, I even feel sorry for myself for constantly being misunderstood or judged as something that I am not. Since she does not hear me, it’s reassuring that next time she sees me, she won’t give me an empathetic look, and ask me if I am OK, or follow up.
It’s no surprise, that simply talking to my aunt and coloring this mandala; released much of my angst. Each petal I colored, brought some sort of closure to one of the reasons for my agitation. Feelings, (good or bad) like the clouds in the sky, come and go, paying too much heed to them gives them more power, but focusing on creating something beautiful (painting, gardening, music) and/or talking to someone you trust, always helps.